How to Make Friends

My Sister Root, Megan, and her hubby Justin.

When I dubbed 2011 The Year of Building Relationships, I had no idea it would be so rich. I thought that I might make a couple new friends and talk to existing ones a bit more often, but it was so much more than that.

The people that I met last year have made a huge difference in my life, cementing my belief that meaningful relationships are a crucial part of a life of purpose. I’m so grateful for the new relationships and the old ones that were strengthened, my marriage included.

In short, 2011 was freaking amazing.

I have to admit, though, it was challenging. I’m naturally pretty quiet. Ok, painfully shy and introverted. But I was done with that. If I could come out of my shell, there was no reason why I couldn’t enjoy the beautiful abundance that is a life full of meaningful relationships.

And you can, too. It just takes a little intentional action.

Decide who

Who do you want to be friends with? I know this sounds weird, but think about it. Who do you normally mesh really well with? That’s not to say you can’t develop friendships with people who are different than that “ideal” but if you want to make new friends, it helps to know what you’re looking for.

This year, I connected with a lot of people who are intentional about how their wellness and are actively pursuing a life of purpose. Was this a conincidence? No. I was looking for those people. And the connections we’ve made are pretty awesome.

Find them

Ok, this is why you need to know who you’re looking for, because that will help you find them. Are they taking their kiddos to library story time? (That’s where I met Terri). Or are they hanging out at farmers markets or a local coffee shop? Make a point to hang out there and see what happens.

Say hello

Yep, nothing will happen if you don’t approach someone. Though, they might approach you (like Megan approached me), this is generally not the case. You know how it is, we moms are so busy counting heads we would miss it if a clown was jumping around in a bright yellow jumper.

But. We need friends, sometimes lament about not having meaningful relationships and would really appreciate someone saying hello.

Extend an invitation

This is starting to sound a lot like dating. Or marketing. But really, it’s all the same. If you say hello and chat a bit and think that you would like to get to know this person better, ask her to hang out for coffee. Or go to the park. Or some place where you’re both comfortable and can talk more.

Keep working at it

Friendships, like marriage, take work. They need to be nurtured. One cup of coffee must become ten cups of coffee and a few potluck dinners. It takes intentional action on both sides. Otherwise, they’ll just fade away.

Note: Sometimes, despite efforts, friendships don’t work out. It’s ok. Sometimes, the ones that you’re sure will, don’t, and the unlikely ones flourish. That’s great. You’ve just got to put yourself out there to find out what will happen.

Repeat.

Other note: If I meet someone randomly that I think is cool, and keep seeing them around town, I decide that I keep running into them because I need to get to know them more (like Jenny). Just be aware of those coinciGodical meetings.

Final note (I promise): Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s incredibly helpful and will make interacting with others easier.

What are your tips for building new relationships?

21 Ways to Have More Fun in Your Marriage

After nine years of marriage and a ton of bumps in the road, I can honestly say that marriage can be fun, exciting and deeply fulfilling. And it happens by simple, intentional actions. Here are some of my favorite ideas for having more fun in your relationship. 

Go sledding. Just the two of you. Or invite another couple for some great fun.

Sock wrestle. Who can get the other person’s socks off first? A huge thanks to our friends Megan and Justin for this fun game. Warning: you will laugh A LOT.

Hide and seek. The kids found this pretty purple rock and were convinced that I should love it. Ian decided to use it for a game. He hides it in my pocket when I’m completely distracted, and waits until I find it. He can usually tell by the huge grin on my face when I find it. Then I try to hide it in his pocket. Simple. Fun. Reminds me that I’m blessed.

Write love notes. And hide them in easy-to-find locations.

Read to each other. A good story or a devotional. This is quickly becoming a daily habit that I really enjoy.

Have mid-afternoon coffee dates. This is the time when the kids get to play on PBS kids for thirty minutes. Brew some goodness and enjoy some good conversation.

Dream together. What do you want to do together? Where do you see yourself in a year? Three? Get on the same page and work toward those dreams together.

Count the stars. Lie on a blanket outside together and wonder at the vastness and beauty of the night sky.

Volunteer. Give your time together for a cause that you both believe in. Include the kiddos, too.

Wash each other’s feet. We love giving each other foot baths. Fill a big bowl/wash basin with warm water and add essential oils if you like. Then massage your honey’s feet with some oil or lotion.

Take turns planning special dates. Do this every other month or every other week. Plan something fun that you’ll both enjoy. And don’t forget to arrange for a sitter.

Encourage girl/guys night out. Friends are good to have and it’s fun to just hang with the guys every once in a while. We each do this twice a month and are both very grateful that the other encourages it.

Do a treasure hunt. Give your beloved love note clues that send him looking for a special prize. Whether that prize is you dressed in sexy lingerie or a bedroom all set up for a relaxing massage, he’s sure to enjoy the anticipation as well as the reward.

Treat him like a king. Like when you were dating. Act intentionally to make him feel like he’s still the love of your life.

Give massages. Perhaps the coolest thing about Ian being home so much now, is his willingness to rub my neck, feet or super-tight hamstrings. He knows that my love language is touch. And I know that he loves a shoulder or back rub as well. Set aside 30 minutes this week to give your honey some TLC.

Explore your community. Get to know the place where you live. Visit local shops. Enjoy the scenery. Hike in the wilderness. Take in your habitat together.

Embrace frugal. Can’t afford date night? It doesn’t have to be expensive? Want to take the kids on an adventure, but don’t have money? See what free events are in the area. Make it a game to see what fun free/cheap things you can find to do together.

Be hospitable. Do life with people you love. Invite your friends over for a potluck meal and enjoy the fellowship.

Smooch. A lot.

Have 7 days of sex. Because physical intimacy is an awesome gift.

Pray together. I can’t stress enough how good this is. Since we’ve started consistently doing this together, we’ve felt closer than ever. Make the time to make it a priority.

Many thanks to Justin Lukasavige at Need a Topic (affiliate link) for this fun idea. Head on over for a free 7-day trial and get weekly topics, tips and techniques for your blog.

How to Date Your Spouse

Two days ago, Ian and I celebrated our 9th anniversary. After the craziness that has been our last month of life, we were ready to spend some fun time alone together. Thankfully, my mom graciously agree to take our kids for a few hours so we could go out.

Mmmm, he's gorgeous. There's a surprising lack of pics of us together...

Once kid-free, we headed off to a nearby town, so that I could take Ian to a coffee shop I’ve been telling him about. Before coffee, though, I suggested checking out the cupcakery on the next block over to see if they had anything gluten-free. They did!

We savored our cupcakes and headed down the street, where we sat and sipped coffee (Ian had his first cappuccino – I think he’s sticking with drip coffee) and dreamed together.

After we left, we stopped at a new Mexican restaurant in our town. Their food is unique and beautiful and always tastes delicious. They also make some killer margaritas, so we decided to stop in for some and an appetizer. (Fondue and chorizo are made to go together).

After hopping around all over central Oregon, we went home and watched my brother cook us dinner. Ok, Ian watched, I kind of bounced around, giggling like an excited little school girl.

He made us Mahi Mahi with fruit salsa and seared scallops. For dessert, he scooped coconut milk ice cream (yes!) into honey tuile bowls. He topped them with berries, raspberry sauce and chocolate sauce. Holy. Freakin’. Yum. Yeah, it was ridiculously good.

My brother made that! I almost didn't want to eat it. Almost.

We had an amazing time together. But this hasn’t always been the case on our anniversary. Or for special date nights either. Since we’ve made efforts to be more intentional in our dating, we’ve had a lot more fun together.

It just took some willingness to:

Explore

Try something new. It can be super adventurous or just an activity you’ve never done together. Last summer, we got some huge tubes and floated down a nearby river. We enjoyed the sun and let the river take us at its own pace. We’ve also had a blast snowshoeing, hiking, taking a brewery tour and strolling around a vineyard. Explore your city, a nearby town or the outdoors.

Bar Hop

Ok, so that’s not exactly what I mean, but it’s close. If there’s more than one restaurant or pub or outdoor place that you want to go to, why not visit them all? Our favorite restaurant makes delicious food and equally good beer. But a place down the street makes amazing dessert. You don’t have to stay in one place the entire time.

Get creative

Who says dates have to be dinner and a movie? Why not make dinner at home and ask a musician friend to come over and play music for you while you eat? Or go out on a hike and have someone prepare dinner at home for you to enjoy when you get home? There are so many ways to make your time together more meaningful.

Plan a little

I love spontaneity but I hate leaving for a date playing the “What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do” game. Instead, we like to have at least a little bit of our date planned, and if one of us gets a great idea while we’re out, we can usually fit it in with what we’re already doing. Or we plan to do it next time. Either way, having a rough plan can save you both a lot of frustration.

What’s your favorite date night activity?

The Muir House

Hello and welcome Muir House Tour readers! This is the third stop on the tour. You can find the previous posts here and here. For more information on the rest of the book responses, click either picture in the post.

Today’s post is a review/response for The Muir House, as a part of Mary DeMuth’s project, The Muir House Blog Tour. This is a new take on an old idea and I’m excited to be a part of it, sharing some thoughts on the novel.

First, a (very) quick summary

The Muir House, by Mary DeMuth, tells the story of Willa Muir and her search to fill a gap in her memory. After escaping to Seattle at her mother’s harsh insistence, she returns to Texas to help transform her childhood home into a welcoming bed and breakfast. There she confronts her past as she tries to sort through the truth of what happened to her when she was a child.

While in college, Willa discovered that a year of her memory was missing. Not exactly odd, right? It’s not surprising for a person to have no recollection of their fourth year. I sometimes find it hard to recall a day’s events as I lie in bed at night. But for Willa, this was abnormal, as her memory has always been clear, with accurate recollection of life both before and immediately after she turned four.

Surely, something happened during that time to make her supress it. Something awful. At least, that’s what her therapist thinks. And so, Willa searches and searches, trying desperately to piece together the clues.

In her quest, she breaks the heart of her boyfriend Hale, leaving him alone in a cafe, minutes after he proposes marriage. This is not the only relationship that her frantic obsession touches, as she comes in contact with several people that she hopes will give her some insight into the void in her memory.

Willa Muir wasn’t brought up in the most stable environment. Surrounded by death, a mother who seemingly despised her and her parents’ constant fighting, Willa’s only constant was sadness and chaos. She seemed to find comfort in these things and they spilled over into her relationships with others.

In search of filling her memory gap, she relentlessly researched, letting the obsession overtake her life and relationships. The story is redemptive, not just for Willa’s heart, but for the relationships that she neglected and almost ruined.

It is also a wonderful portrayal of how things are not always as they seem, both in the bits of “truth” that Willa thinks she discovers and the characters themselves:

Hale

After only a few short pages of being introduced to him, a loving man with a passion for helping others and following Jesus, I genuinely liked him.His goodness was almost a little annoying, though.

Was he really that righteous? I admit, I was a bit glad when he confessed to willingly disobeying God’s leading. I needed to know that there was more to him than the Mr. Peace Corps attitude.

Blake

You know by the way Willa thinks about Blake that he’ll make an appearance in the story. And when he does, all helpful and loving, it was hard for me not to like him. Maybe it would be good for her to go back to him. Maybe things could work out now that they’ve both grown.

*As a side note, I really loved Blake’s tattoo. I’ve been saying for a couple years now that if I ever get the nerve to get a tattoo, I want “Shalom” in Hebrew on my left wrist (and “surrender” in Hebrew on the other). Points to Mary for that cool detail.

Genie

Genie is an easy character to dislike. She’s cold, distant and seems to have a special loathing toward Willa. But as she interacts with Willa, it becomes apparent that she’s a pretty complex lady.

She’s taken on a lot of secrets and is determined to keep them, a task to make anyone grow weary and cold. But once I had cemented it in my mind that she would remain a gruff old lady, she begins to soften, making me think that maybe there’s hope for joy in her life after all.

Willa

I found myself wanting to shout at Willa on more than one occasion, “Seriously, woman! You need some Jesus. Like for real.” Kind of reminded me how I used to yell at Meredith back in the day when I was addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. Willa just seemed so broken but determined that she would put all of the pieces back together herself. As God brought her closer to wholeness you can still see her clinging a little to the truth of her memory as her savior, though she seems to understand that it’s not the ticket to peace that she thought it would be.

The Muir House was a great read and I took several “Mama time-outs” so that I could make the story unfold more quickly. Its complex characters and surprising twists kept me engaged throughout the story. I was also surprised to learn that Mary DeMuth drew from experiences in her real life to write this, as you can read about here. I highly suggest you go check out the book as soon as you can and let me know what you think about it.

If you’ve read the book, what parts resonated with you the most?

Our Frugal Anniversary Plan and an Exciting New Project

Next week, on November 16th, Ian and I celebrate nine years of marriage. It’s been a tumultuous love story, that’s for sure. And there have been times when I’ve just wanted to walk away.

But now, God is working. He’s redeeming the messes we’ve made. And I’m pretty excited to see where this is going.

For the last two weeks, I’ve had a new husband. There have been glimpses of him over the years and I’ve been hopeful that he would be awakened. Now that he is, I have to say, he’s remarkable. There is just no other way to say it – Ian is a brand-new man and God has changed him.

His eyes are alive and joyful. His heart has softened, yet he is stronger. I’m falling in love with him all over again. God is good. He is so, so good.

We had planned on going to Portland and staying at McMenamins Edgefield for the night, an amazingly beautiful place. Ian was going to take me on a hike at Multnomah Falls and we were going to just hang out together and dream.

However, now that our savings are being a little more tightly guarded, thanks to our leap into the unknown, we’ll be staying at home. The kids will be gone and we’ll be hanging out and dreaming, but in a more … frugal way.

We’ve asked my brother to cook us dinner – and to prepare something fancy he’s learned in culinary school. The menu plan sounds pretty amazing and I am so thrilled that he’s doing this for us. We don’t even have to pay for it as we’re watching his kids today so they can celebrate their anniversary together. Bartering is fun.

You may be wondering why I’m writing this now, when I could be posting it on our anniversary. But I’m actually participating in a really cool project and I’ll be posting something else on the 16th.

It’s called The Muir House Book Tour and for one month, a group of bloggers will be holding a virtual book club of sorts to discuss our reactions to the book.

The Muir House, by Mary DeMuth, tells the story of Willa Muth and her search to fill a gap in her memory. After escaping to Seattle at her mother’s harsh insistence, she returns to Texas to help transform her childhood home into a welcoming bed and breakfast. There she confronts her past as she tries to sort through the truth of what happened to her when she was a child.

Sound intriguing? You can join us on the tour and subscribe to email updates for every day of the tour. This is a new take on an old idea and we’re excited to see what will come of it. Would you please sign up for the tour and stay tuned for my review?

You are a blessing to me and I’m so grateful for the part you play in my life.

Shalom.