Unplugged or Disengaged?

Photo Credit: functoruser

I’ve been quiet online lately. After reading the 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss, I realized that I needed to go on a major information diet. There was so much input coming in that I felt overwhelmed and scattered.

So I unplugged for a while and took a nice break from the many podcasts and blogs that I took in on a regular basis. I highly recommend doing this every once in a while just to engage with the “real” world.

But then I took it a step further.

The other day I was at Goodwill and found a book – Midlife Crisis at 30. “Oh my gosh,” I thought, “that’s me.” Though I’m only 26, so maybe quarter-life crisis would be a better term. But it’s a crisis none-the-less and I’m having one; in a big way.

A few years ago, my life took this crazy turn where I went from medical-minded, “normal” woman to a granola, home-birthing, “weirdo”. I love that.

But now, I feel like, I don’t know, like I’m losing my mind. Being home with my kids is hugely important to me but I feel like something is missing. I look at my husband who has a job that he loves and finds fulfilling. He gets to hang out with people who are more than coworkers – they’re friends. He’s often referred to work as a second family. For him, life is pretty great. And, dammit, I’m jealous.

And now, after years of contentment with living in central Oregon, I’m feeling the lure of the big city. I have a big house on two acres where I can keep my animals, which I thought was just what I wanted (minus the big house) and I just want to pack up and move to Portland. My goat had a baby the other day and she’s absolutely adorable and I’m stoked to keep her, but really? Can this wait? Is this really what I want? Maybe in the future, but now? I don’t know.

I want contentment. I want to learn how to be present in the moment and enjoy my family. I want to write and learn and create everyday. I want to give what I have to offer to the world in a way that fulfills me and serves a greater purpose. And it would be really great to make some extra money.

I am done with my self-imposed limitations, feeling like I have to shut myself off and what I’ve been created to do while I raise a family. I’m tired of putting my midwifery education on the backburner. I’m tired of being scared to talk to people and let them know how much I have to offer. I’m tired of believing that I don’t have much to offer. And I can’t even tell you how done I am with being SO broke and the major stress that causes me on a daily basis.

Naturally, as a way to cope with this in the most healthy way possible, I’ve spent the last several weeks withdrawing. It started as a diet, turned into a fast and now I’m starving. I’ve let myself become disengaged, believing the lie that nobody cares  and threw myself the most awesome pity-party I’ve ever seen.

I am so done with that, too.

I’m ready to step up and live. To finally believe in myself the way my husband does and just do what I was made to do. I will not be a model of mediocrity for my children. I refuse. I am more than what I have become. I am woman, hear me roar!

Too much? Sorry, I was on a roll.

This is what I will do: I will force myself out of my comfort zone. Every day. And I will tweet about it. Every. Day.

When I write, when I create, when I enjoy my family, when I do something that terrifies me. You know, like putting myself out there for some freelance writing thing or trying to crowdfund my midwifery education. I’m doing this. And I will be rescheduling the post that should come out tomorrow (oh wow, today, it’s past midnight???) so that I can’t wimp out and delete this.

But I need your help in this. Will you help me stay accountable? Pretty please.

If you’re down with that, there’s a purple “follow” bar on the left with a twitter icon. Click it and follow me and I WILL keep you updated on my progress.

Love you guys.



  1. says

    Nina, I’m here to keep you accountable. I always enjoy your writing and we’re on a similar path. Big hugs to you and I know you’ll find your way and enjoy all the ups and downs along the way!

  2. Robin says

    I love, love, love, this. These feeling must be in the air. I have been feeling the same way for a long time and i just looked at luis lastnight and asked him if the world was to end tomorrow do you feel like you accomplished everything you wanted to. Of course the answer was no and we too feel like our choices in the past have ruined our relationships with family and friends. Its time to step it up and live life the way WE want to. Thank you so much for posting this, it really inspired me and made me feel like i am not the only one who feels this way. I am here to keep you accountable.

  3. says

    Wow, Nina, this is the best post I’ve read in a long time. I have a feelining that if you lived closer, you’d be best friends with Christine.

    Bring it on!

  4. Christine says

    Seriously, I feel this SAME way. Right now, is this really it. I, too, watch my husband totally fulfilled living in the place he has always wanted doing what he loves while I am floundering. I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. I hope I can figure something out.

  5. says

    I hope so, too, Christine. I think so many women find themselves in this spot and yet everyone tells them, “but you’re being a mom right now and that’s just so important.” Yeah, it’s important, but I want to pull my hair out when people tell me that. Did you listen to Justin’s interview about Sparks? That sounded like a great way to break out of the rut.

  6. Christine says

    I didn’t hear that interview. Maybe I should :) I have some ideas of what I want to do but I don’t have the skills needed to accomplish it. I guess it’s high time I learn!

  7. says

    I’ve had to unplug as well, mainly from FB. I get too much info or stuff coming at me from FB and I feel overwhelmed or like my brain is going to explode and then I realize that I can’t be on there very much. I have to be very selective about what I allow in my brain or I can get depressed or feel like I’m going crazy.
    I love reading what you write and we are going through this stage as well (and we’re 33!)I too wonder if I’m supposed to do something else (besides raising children).
    Yes please share your creativity with us, I know it will inspire me!

  8. says

    Oh wow, Nina, I SOOOOOO hear your heart-cry!
    When our first three kids were little (five & under), I went thru a long stretch of, “so this is IT?” Felt so frustrated & squashed by the responsibilities of motherhood…jealous of the freedom & dreaming & pursuit-of-purpose my husband enjoyed, while I slaved away all day with diapers & laundry & housekeeping. Ugh. (imagine a much stronger word there…)

    All I can tell you is — it gets better. IF you can manage to persevere, to not grow weary in well-doing, but continue raising those kids with love & boundaries…someday you’ll discover these fun, responsible, delightful big kids living in your house, bearing their share of those household burdens, and freeing you all up to pursue dreams & joy & God’s calling on your life. The hard thing to endure is the realization, as a mom, our calling IS to love & care for those little ones, and all the mucky-yuck that goes along with it. But this season WILL pass…and God has gifts He is growing & refining in you now, in this season of enduring & persevering & serving…that WILL bloom, in His perfect timing.

    “…weeping may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning…”

    Hang in there!

  9. says

    Thanks for the encouragement Teri! Someday the diapers will be gone (yay!) and it’ll get easier. But until then, I need to take steps in the direction that I want to go in (like finally signing up for a midwifery course) so that I can be prepared when the time is right.

  10. says

    Have you read It’s Your Call by Gary Barkelow? Really, really good book about discovering what you were made to do.

  11. says

    Exactly! I just signed up for a midwifery training program. I decided that as Isaiah gets older I’ll be able to attend more birth. Then I thought, “well if I don’t know what I’m doing, then I won’t be able to then, either.” So I’m getting started now, even if it takes a while to learn all of the skills.

  12. Beth Berger says

    This really hit home with me this morning. Just last night I was thinking about how sometimes we don’t let ourselves shine, for whatever reason. That we are all so beautiful and creative and if we could just give ourselves the permission to be extraordinarily beautiful and amazing and everything that we are but don’t show it, then the world would be done a great service. To be truly happy, we have to live life with great purpose, service to others, and love towards all, including(most importantly) ourselves. I have been battling with alcoholism for about 8 years, and it’s my second day sober. So tome, this blog post was amazingly inspiring and probed me to ask myself what I really want for me. The possibilities are endless and it’s time that I, and you, and everyone else in this world started to love ourselves enough to make sure that we are living with purpose and not just going through the motions. Life is hopeful and beautiful and new each day and it’s an injustice to ourselves and all who we love not to grab it by the balls and LIVE IT! Thanks for this so much, you are an inspiration. I am almost 26 as well and have 2 boys. You rock Shalom mama!


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